Go Fly a Kite

I really can't explain how I feel. I haven't felt this in ages. Just angry and stressed and everything bubbling up inside me. I feel sick and tired and like crying. I want to have an argument with someone. I don't know where this has come from, I can think of a million and one petty reasons. No sleep? Lack of exercise? Stress? Argh. Just this big fat ball of bad emotions has found its way inside me and I don't know how. So many small things that get on my nerves, some bigger things, to me anyway. And of course there's always a 'him' involved, what problem would be a true problem without a 'him'. Of course its the usual sitch where you're just the one just nodding and smiling, putting on a happy voice and giving everyone else advice. Everyone says they should take their own advice, but that's just silly because then there would be no drama and no attention and no winging. What would life be without complaining about it? We're all selfish dicks who only want to talk about themselves, I just wish some people would make it a little less obvious.

Gah

Some people annoy me, some people disappoint me and some people just can't take a fucking hint.

There's Nothing I can't be

I really don't know what this is, I just feel at a loose end. I'm just lost, I don't want the present and I don't want the future. I just wanna curl up in a ball and hibernate for a while. There are loads of things to look forward to, things to be excited about, but I feel nothing. I'm just deflated and demotivated and meh. I can't be arsed with school or work or friends or anything. I need motivation or everything is just pointless. That's the problem is that everything is for the future, but the future is so far away. But actually it's so close. I can't explain it but I feel like I'm living my life how it is not how I've made it, but then I can control my life so it's all down to me to change.

Argh.

"Can't you revise next week?"

Parents. Enough said? Well clearly not because I'm about to rant on about them for a whole post...

Usually when something happens, like an argument, I look at the situation and I think 'actually, yeah that was kind of my fault, or I could have done something to prevent it', but not recently. Recently I really do think it's them.

Since my brother went to uni I don't feel like we're a proper family anymore. It's just 'them' and 'me'. It's like they've grown out of having kids and having to look after anyone. They do all the things that old couples, whose children have left home, do like go on days out and weekends away walking and that...but I haven't left home. I'm still here. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying I want to be the third wheel on their boring outings but, I feel exactly that...I feel like a third wheel.

They disappear for a few hours, without telling me, locking me outside because they 'forgot I was there' and they expect me to get on with whatever I'm doing, no help, no guidance. But when I go out and mess them around all hell breaks loose. I think they've given up on parenting, they can't be arsed anymore. They're too wrapped up in their retirement-style lives that I come far down on their priorities. Yes they do look after me in the practical sense- they cook, clean, and taxi for me but I don't think I have ever felt more distant from them before. But they seem to think I'm as close as ever.

Rant, over and out.

Some actual people

Oh my fucking god I actually hate you. You forgot to pick me up from school, so i was standing in the rain waiting for you for 25 minutes. I try to make a bloody effort but I'm being 'rude' just because you feel bad so take it out on me. By the way i did have my jab today, i was really nervous, it was horrible and my arm does ache. My day was shit if you wanted to know. No I don't owe you a fucking apology, I shouted at you because you were rude to me. What do you actually expect? You were the one who pissed me off in the first place. And tomorrow I am spending my whole day at school even though everyone else gets the day off, just because my A* was one mark below my target. I wasn't going to go but you 'suggested' i did. So don't be a spiteful bitch and not 'do me any favours' I have looked forward to this party for weeks and your not going to fuck it all up. I actually hate you, you are turning into a miserable old woman who doesn't think about anything. Just fuck off to bed, nice and early so I don't have to speak to you.